Hospice by The Antlers part 2

I don't like being poetic, but I can't help but feel that way about this subject.

It's weird how things tend to take a grand emotional toll on you even though you have nothing to do with it. Watching sad movies or reading sad books, all in all we are very emotional people. When forming a connection with a story that is not your own, it often is a slippery slope that we lead.

Often these outlets are fantastic at times, we feel happy for our favorite characters when they are happy, and we can share these feelings with others too- those who also feel this way about these characters; and so we find fandoms. Groups of people coming together just to discuss these fictional or real people that we hold so dear to us.

Yet, despite my dear attachment to this album and the emotions and characters portrayed within it- I just can't bring myself to write any more about it.

I don't know if it's a lack of enthusiasm, or the sheer quantity of negative emotions that this album digs up for me. It's so depressing; yet I can't help but explore and wallow in the negativity that it portrayed. I am infatuated by the ideals, emotions, and concepts presented in these simple eleven songs.

Eleven songs that ruined my life.

I'm not going to lie when I say that my first wave of obsession with this dismal album caused me to relapse into a horrible depression as I became so entranced with the notes and theories I held in my shaking hands.

It's a slippery slope; obsession and understanding.

I don't know why this particular object entranced me so much. It could have been anything else- a band, or a movie, or a tv show, or a comic book series, but instead it was this. Almost as if it is my soulmate. And what a horrible and cruel irony it is to have this album as my soulmate.

I understand that the feelings that I find within these songs are probably unique to me alone, but I still wish that I could portray my emotions on this album justly. 

Perhaps, do you feel the same way about something?




That one thing that no matter what- you can't get anyone else to understand just how much it means to you. The impact it has on your life to the point where it obsessed your waking and sleeping moments.



Is it a person?




A place?

Or maybe it's just a concept that you've yet to put to words and hope that you never will- because you know that it's impossible.

Either way- tell me about it. Whisper it to the winds and let everyone know what it is that you connect to. It will change as you age- I promise, but it will always be just as special as the moment you first found it.

This, my friends, is love.

Hospice by The Antlers

Let's talk about Hospice by The Antlers

If you're a music fanatic you'll know that there exist albums in this wide wide world that cannot be listened to

A) out of order

B) in bits and pieces

C) without giving it your full and undying attention

This, my friends, is one of those albums. I would suggest treating it as one really long song, and make sure you read the lyrics as you go because it will help you understand why this album is a fantastic work of art. 

Starting from the beginning, this album is a story. It's about three people. The wife, Sylvia, who has and has had bone cancer. The husband, I call him Peter sense the write of the album is Peter Silberman and this album is a commentary on his life in an emotionally abusive relationship. The nurse, the doctor, his role is really unclear but we do know that he and Peter know eachother and he works for the hospital. In my opinion, the nurse is also a metaphorical version of the husband, but perhaps really still the same person.

The album begins with an instrumental piece titled "Prologue". It's a mix of ambient tones and what seems to be the sound of a ventilator. In my mind this song is the last days of Sylvia's life, as she is put on life support and Peter and the nurse recollect the events that have occurred in the past. To be honest, this is a bone-chilling start to the album, setting the morbid and demure tone. I often find myself drifting to sleep to this song as its ebbs and flows rock the mind into a lull. It's hair-raising but calming at the same time. Like the moment right after a tragedy where you think "This is all just a dream" but you're terrified and can't feel anything.

Kettering is placed in the perspective of the nurse character. I believe this where our story begins with Sylvia being angry- as she so often is- and blaming it on the nurse. He owes her a great, unpayable debt and that debt is her life. That he is the figure she views as medicine that has failed her, her body that has failed her. She is broken and angry and the nurse finds this shocking; as most would expect hospice patients to be calm or sad. And in this anger the nurse makes it his priority to help her and save her- but as so many things are, these efforts are futile.

Oh, Sylvia. This song reiterates the emotional trauma that Sylvia put the nurse through. She was angry and mad but he didn't give up because he wanted to save her. He's scared of her and scared of what will happen to her, but mostly scared of what will happen when she gives up. Just reading the lyrics, wow, it's scary.

Atrophy speak of the relationship between Sylvia and Peter, husband and wife. It speaks of all the things Sylvia tells Peter to do, and he does them without question because he has no other choice. She gets mad at him, but he always comes back to her because no one else will. They're both so so alone and they're both falling apart and its eachother's fault, but they only have eachother.

Fuck Bear, fuck fuck fuck fuck this song so much ugh it breaks my heart. This song is a horrible irony of a lullaby. It takes place in a flashback, Peter recollecting the past. When they first became married and Sylvia was pregnant. They both don't mind having a kid, but they know that if they would it would tear them apart- the two of them. So together the decide to get an abortion, turning a blind eye to the real problems, and when Sylvia returns from the hospital after the abortion, she is never the same. They are never the same.

Thirteen takes us back to the present with Sylvia. Her thoughts and her words. She wants Peter to save her but she can't save herself. She wants him to dig her out of the hole she's in but ends up burring them both into this hole in the process. The chimes and the ambient music is haunting; almost as if we are never meant to hear what she tells us. It is lost in the space among the white noise.


Okay so I'm gonna have to finish this in another blog post because I need to take a break from writing this but I also need to submit this post. It's like digging into a can of worms; talking about this album. It's so emotional.

LET'S GET FUCKING PUMPED

OMG YEAH LET'S GET PUMPED. EVERYTHING IS FANTASTIC AND I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD. THIS EUPHORIA, THIS JOY, IT CAN ONLY BE CAUSED BY ONE THING.

REALLY FANTASTIC MUSIC

Personally, I'm not really the kind of person who listens to just upbeat music. Everyone's got at least a few ballads in their list of favorite songs, I just happen to have most of mine be ballads. It's the soft folk music, the sweet serenades that really touch my heart. But at the end of the day, they don't really do a whole lot to get me pumped up. (Bro I could rave to Colorblind by Counting Crows) So that's when I have to expand my musical horizons. That's when I turn to the Uptown Funks, the Grown Oceans, the FUCKING BRIDGE AT 0:46 OF THIS SONG UGH BE STILL MY HEART

But what is it about music that just gets to people like that? Gets them up and moving and totally pumped.

I mean, the science behind this stuff is pretty great. And we can't forget the fantastic video vsauce did on music and it's nature.

But just take a minute to marvel with me on the little things, the little feelings that music instills in us that we don't even know.

When we drive in the car on our way to work or school and a fantastic heart-pounding song comes on and it brightens up the rest of our day.

When we play a new game and get to the final battle and just have to stop for a minute to appreciate the music and how fantastic it is.

At a choir concert when the singers hit that one chord, that one note that just makes you inhale and think "Damn this is what music should sound like"

When at the very same choir concert the choir sings something so moving it brings you to tears.

While making breakfast when you start to hum and don't even know it, but you realize that it's a tune from one of your favorite songs as a child; some one-hit wonder song that you can hardly remember anything about but somehow still new.

That one time a friend starting playing a song that you hadn't heard in years and you realize that you still know all of the words.

Music is fantastic and it's always the little things with it.

is there a Dog?

Wow gosh, I really really hope that I can make the most of today. I hope tomorrow will be fun despite my non-fun obligations. I hope that I can do well on my APbio test this week. I hope I can do well at school this year. I hope I can make something out of my life. I hope.

By nature- people are hopeful. We hope for the present, the future, and even for the past. There is no denying this. I'm sure that you too can come up with a list of a few things you really really hope for. But is just saying these things out loud really satisfying enough? Well, at least for me, not really.

I guess the level of satisfaction with confirming your own hopes depends on the person, but most people choose to leave these sorts of things to a higher being through prayer. They seek comfort and answers through this higher being, as again, it is human nature to seek comfort and answers. And there in lies religion. At its purest form, that's really what it is; comfort and answers. Are they the right answers or right comfort? Well, that doesn't really matter; because as long as you're not harming anyone with your beliefs, if they make you happy, then they're good beliefs!

But if only it were that simple. For faith to really work for someone, they have to really believe in it. Which is why simplifying faith into a mean to find answers and comfort is offensive to most people of faith. To people devout to faith, these things are not just their way of securing their feelings, these things are real. Which this strong belief make actually drive home the theories that prayer is all a placebo.

Even if prayer is a placebo and made up by humans, what's all that bad about it? The argument might be made that it deters scientific thought. Yet, what if someone isn't all for scientific thought. You never see anyone looking at someone choosing to read a book at say, "Gosh, books deter athletic behaviors." Athleticism isn't for everyone, and scientific thought isn't for everyone either. I say let each person choose their god. If they prefer to pray to the sky and the ocean, if they prefer to find comfort in the Bible or through Allah, or if they can see understanding through scientific concepts, so what? I say- as long as a man harms none others with their beliefs and their beliefs make them happy then so be it.

Religion is not evil, and atheism is not evil, at their root they are both good things that serve to make the faithful or non-faithful feel justified and content. It is when we attack others for their beliefs that we find evil.

Substance Abuse: Internet

To overly use a substance- I'm sure we all do it. 

I abuse my fluffy cream sweater; I wear it every single night when I get home from school. 

My little sister abuses her music; every spare minute it seems she's listening to spotify (which I totally get).

My mom abuses her family calender system; no family needs to be as organized as we are.

But what crosses that line from using something a lot to it becoming an abuse?

Substance abuse is usually limited to drugs- legal or illegal. But what if our abuse stems on something so common we don't even notice it?
We all know the horror stories of the war veteran who turns to alcohol to take the edge off of the PTSD, or the woman who has to sell herself to feed her horrible drug addictions. All we ever hear of is these horrors- people who run away from them problem through drugs or alcohol. It's terrifying, no one wants to be in that situation, but the people who are in that situation are not treated with the respect of people (but that's another topic for another day). 

Yet I'm going to throw something out there- something that really contradicts what we define a substance abuse.

Okay, are you ready for this?

In my opinion, the constant and detrimental use of a substance in order to avoid reality is a substance abuse.

So you who goes for a run every day to de-stress from life; you're totally fine because it's not detrimental.

However, you who goes on tumblr just about every free second, evaluate yourself. Why do you go on tumblr and under what circumstances? Do you go on it once your homework is done- or do you tell yourself "Five more minutes and I'll get back to work," and the time stretches on way past those five minutes. If you can relate to the latter, you might be in the same boat I am in.

I'd use things like tumblr and youtube to take my mind off of the work I had to do, the obligations I had, to the point where I specifically only used them for this purpose. This result snuck up on me without me noticing, but dang is it a problem!

I know I can't be the only person my age who does this. With video games, or snapchat, or twitter, or instagram, or things more studious like reading all the time to ignore work, I know I'm not the only one.

So what can we do? Well I'm gonna tell you my plan.

I am deleting my apps, as many as possible, and I hope that keeps me off my phone and less reliant on it too. If it's more effort to get to the app than it is to just bunker down and do my work- I'm gonna do my work.

And I sure hope I do. 

Homeless or Houseless?

Life is weird- I think we all pretty much know that. Even when we have what we "need" we don't have what we "want". We are reminded of that so often- the difference between need and what. We need food, shelter, and water. We want love, companionship, and material goods. But what if it's really the other way around?

Last year in my Theology class we watched The Human Experience. Of course watching it in a class about Jesus everything had to be related back to Jesus, but I still got something rad out of it. I got the knowledge that sometimes the value of human relations outweighs the value of necessities.

I often daydream about doing wild things like running away, eating nothing but top ramen and drinking cheap wine until I run out of money. I know it's not practical for me now or even in the long run, but wouldn't I be so much freer, so much happier than I am now?

Maybe I, just like every other person my age and not my age, am just getting a bad case of seasonal depression and I'm starting to think irrationally- but what the hell! I love irrational thinking!
It's so human and it's so flawed, and sometimes these imaginative thoughts are the ones that really lead to innovation.

So what the heck? Why shouldn't I just take caution to the wind and let my life be run by something bigger than me? Obviously now is not the best time- but it might be a really great experience for even a short time.

Do you wanna try it too? Bro, we should both do it. ;)

So now I present.

STEP 1) Pick a time
Personally I would suggest taking a few days, few weeks, few months, or few years off of your regular life. The best time to do this would probably be in a transitional time in your life. High school to college, college to the "real life", between jobs, just take your pick and go with it! Make sure you have someone to watch your house or apartment while you're gone, and if you're going to be really homeless and sell your apartment or house before doing this, make sure you've got enough money to get another one (and a job) or something once you're done with your experience. Also, make sure you've got someone who knows what you're doing and will have your back if it fails catastrophically.

STEP 2) Supplies
My recommendation is to have priority in what you take with you. Value things like hygiene, food, extra clothes, and don't carry too much money with you at any given time because you're probably going to get mugged. Depending if you're going to be taking shelter in an urban or a rural location; you're going to need varying supplies. A sleeping bag is always a must- but make sure you've got something sturdy to carry your things with you. Good shoes and socks are always needed- and dress in layers. It might not be a horrible idea to bring some sort of easily-concealable weapon to defend yourself with- although I'm not sure how legal some of these things are. Well- no one got anywhere exciting by following all the rules.

STEP 3) Departure
When leaving, make sure you'e got everything ready and you're feeling comfortable. If you're not- that's okay too- it's part of the experience. I can't really tell you much of what the experience will be like because I've got no fucking clue. With luck, I too will be able to do this someday- and I hope we can share war stories.

Be safe.