Childhood Regressions and Contemplations

Dear Younger Self,

I have this picture of us on my bookshelf by my bed. I look at it every so often and I think about how cute I was (how cute I am) and how much I've changed since that photo was taken.

Other than the obvious- I've grown a TON (yet somehow kept the bangs at the end of the day) and I've grown emotionally a little bit more than most people my age; but it's not really anything to brag about.

What if I were to tell you now about my current problems and struggles? You wouldn't understand and it would be so foreign to you, I know.

I hope that that's true for others my age as well, that the issues they face now would be incomprehensible to their younger selves.

I don't really have any "30 things to tell you" or anything like that, sadly, but I might be able to scrounge up a few things.

I still have our favorite stuffed animal, hamster, although he's far more worn and dirty than where he is right now with you. "Well loved," mom will tell you. "Messy," You will tell yourself. After reading Velveteen Rabbit you will agree with her.

Today I was reminded of you again when I went outside to shovel and ended up playing in the snow and dang was it fun. I remembered how much we like the snow and how much I've learned to dislike it because driving is scary.

There's something I can tell you.

DRIVING IS SCARY. BE CAREFUL AND PRACTICE MORE.

I guess all I really have to say is that even though we've changed, I still have fun looking back on all the things that have stayed the same even though I tend to just do them for nostalgia alone and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

-Present and soon to be past Annabelle

In six days every single living cell in the world will die...

... you have one chance.

This is how the flash game One Chance greets you. You play as a scientist named John who is faced with a lot of choices and you have to make them for him. This game stands out among the rest because you really only have one chance to make things right as the game stores cookies and will only let you play it once. The choices you make are permanent and there's no do-overs.

Before I go off on a rant about this game I'll let you play it for yourself. Take your time with it and choose wisely.

THIS IS THE BOUNDARY OF SPOILERS

So, my friend, what happened to you? 

Did you save the earth or didn't you? Do you regret what you did? I hope not.

Using a little trick I like to call "clearing cookies" I have played the game multiple times, but nothing quite feels the same as the first time I played it and I wish I hadn't played the game over again. It kinda ruins things.

When I first played the game I went to work without fail on all of the days until my wife died. Until my wife killed herself. It was a wake-up call for my little digital self to put emphasis on what I should value most in the game; family. 

On the second to last day I spent my daughter's few hours with her in the park.

On the last day I died alone in the park.

It was humbling,

and at first I regretted my choices, but in retrospect I don't regret anything other than I wish I had not died alone.

But what is the point of this game? It is to make me feel hecka sad because it totally accomplished that.

Personally, what I got out of the game is that you can't regret your choices in life because no matter what you do things that you aren't happy about are going to happen. 

In the "good" ending where you save yourself and your daughter your wife still dies and the only way to achieve this is to go to work every single day without fail. Doesn't something about that seem kinda wrong? I could have consoled my wife and she wouldn't have died alone, angry, and feeling unloved. 

Would I have felt more fulfilled if I had achieved the good ending?

Maybe life is less about the ending and more about what happens during it. So what if I didn't  make it into varsity show choir my junior year; I had a fantastic past two years anyways.

So what if I didn't achieve the goals I first made; I'm happier now that I've changed them.

You've gotta be flexible and you've gotta be willing to roll with the punches and regret nothing. Just because you don't get the best ending doesn't mean that your life wasn't worthwhile.

No matter what ending you get in the game, the choices you made result in rewarding outcomes in accordance with your values. Those who choose to stay home with their family can hold onto the fact that they spent that time with them. Those who valued work can be rewarded that they found the cure. Those who spent their last moments with their daughter can be proud that, despite the hardships, they made  up for their regretful choices.

There is give and take no matter the outcome.